Real Talk | Eating Disorder

I know the title of this blog can be triggering. I’m begging you not to cancel me quite yet. Only recently I’ve learnt that there are many types of eating disorders and that there is a general silence surrounding this topic. Mental illness is a whole ball of worms that I won’t tackle in this blog, but I would like to eventually aid in the normalcy of seeking help and talking through these things openly.

ANYWAYS, I was always under the impression that eating disorders consisted of varying degrees of anorexia and bulimia. These are serious conditions, and if you are struggling with any level of these things, please consider finding help before it’s too late. What I wasn’t aware of is the binging is actually classified as an eating disorder; this was revolutionary for me and my process of healing.

Some therapists say that eating disorders often stem from trauma in early childhood or youth and can evolve into a coping mechanism. Others don’t focus on the root and rather train the brain out of it. I honestly can’t tell you whether any of that is true or helpful in any way because I haven’t sought out a professionals opinion on the matter. I am self diagnosed with a minor case of a binge tendency eating disorder and I guess I’ll now explain what that means for me.

My ED manifests itself in a few ways. Firstly, it rears its nasty head as a coping mechanism. When things go wrong for me, whether that means a traumatic circumstance or just a bad day, I feel as though I don’t have the willpower or discipline to say no to whatever I want to eat. That usually looks like lots of carbs and desserts. In my head, it looks a little like “I’m having a bad day so I deserve this” but often is as intense as “I’ve never been able to stop myself in the past why could I now, so I’ll just give in”. The most important thing that I want to point out here is that eating that food has never once helped me. I can recall that truth now as I type this, but I can’t for the life of me remember it when I’m surrounded by my invasive thoughts and feelings.

Secondly, my ED is overwhelming because of the constant nagging thought. I spend SO MUCH brain space and time negotiating with myself, and it’s exhausting. If there are donuts in the break room it doesn’t take much for me to justify having one. Side note, you should have one because we don’t apply holy and evil characteristics to food, but that’s for another blog. But after I have one and I savour it and say “that was good I am satisfied” an hour later I’m thinking about how good it was and I can almost always convince myself that I can have more. I am a master at tricking myself. Even if I don’t give in, because I’m learning good habits, my mind is so consumed with negotiating with itself by saying “you need this” and then “no you don’t need this, you are satisfied” consistently. I don’t know if you’ve ever dealt with this. I’d love if there were people reading this who want to comment so we can help each other because honestly, it feels lonely, shameful and embarrassing.

Now that I’ve aired all of the dirty laundry, I want to write down some of the things that I’ve done to keep myself from binging so that when I feel like it’s going to happen, I can come back and read this.

1. Go outside or work out. Exercise is one of the most surefire ways that I can find to combat binging. This is mostly because I usually can’t convince myself the eat away the calories I’ve just burned, it doesn’t seem worth it for me.
2. Drink water. I know it sounds so lame but chugging a good 24 oz of water can make you really full to the point where the thought of eating sounds awful.
3. TikTok!!! I have a story about this one. A few months ago I was sitting in the chiropractor’s office because I dislocated a rib. It was really painful and he told me I couldn’t work out for a while which was really hard for me because it felt like 3 steps backward. I was scrolling through some fast food apps looking for where I could get the most food for my money (premeditated binging is the worst). I decided where I would go after my appointment but was still waiting so I opened TikTok. If you know anything about TikTok, you know that the algorithm shows you the things that you like so obviously being on my weight loss journey, it was on the “FitTok” side of TikTok. I watched maybe 5-10 videos, and every single one of them was either an incredible 200-pound weightloss transformation or someone on the path seeing victories. It was so inspiring that the thought of going out to eat literally never crossed my mind again that day. I went back to work and had the protein shake that I had prepared. TikTok has been an amazing community for me, people are so encouraging and inspiring. If you wanna follow me, click here.
4. Turmeric Latte. Sounds strange I know but it has a lot of really great things for your body, tastes great and the warm spice flavours are so calming for anxiety. Recipe below: put it all together in a pot and simmer for 5 minutes.
   • 2 cups oat milk
   • 1 cinnamon stick (or 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon)
   • 1/8 teaspoon ground ginger
   • Pinch of nutmeg
   • 1/4 teaspoon of turmeric
   • Pinch of black pepper
   • Sweetener of choice (I love honey)

I’m obviously not healed but I’m in a much better state than I’ve ever been before. I absolutely adore that I’m constantly learning more about myself and my body and what it needs. If you have other coping ideas for a binge ED, let me know in the comments!

Starting Weight: 352

Current Weight: 304

Goal Weight: 150

Bye for now!